4. (c) More About the “When”
In addition to the questions in the previous online wedding planning guide article, the questions in the table below can help you identify the best month for the wedding of your dreams. Discover the rest of the story ...
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4. (b) When?
Use this online wedding planning guide table (and the table in the next article) to identify particularly good or bad months for the different considerations related to your wedding. Discover the rest of the story ...
4. (a) Choose the Season/Month
This is just another step in your online wedding planning guide to narrowing down the perfect day and place for your wedding. June is obviously a very popular time for weddings (hence the "June bride"), but does that mean that you need to be married in June or that you’d rather die than be married in June? Discover the rest of the story ...
3. (d) Words from the Groom - Money
This is where marrying into money could really pay off. If you’re lucky, her parents will foot the bill. If not, get used to the idea of being in debt for the rest of your natural life.
You’re going to find out things that are both frightening and disgusting. For instance, yes, caterers actually charge for that crudités crud and garnish that’s been left to rot at every party you’ve ever attended. The stuff goes for about a buck a carrot, and even parsley is not free.
If you decide to pull the pin by suggesting ideas to save money, be careful how you put it. You don’t want to be labeled a cheapskate or end up on the opposite end of the argument from your bride. Not smart.
For instance, despite all of the advances made in paper plate technology, using anything other than porcelain is simply not done. No matter whether the bar is cash or open, you can’t just stock beer. You have to have something for the old folks and those who aspire to sophistication. It’s probably best to confine your participation to deferring to your bride’s prior vision and her comprehensive knowledge of the details. You can help with little things. In fact, ask for a "Honey Do" list up front and run the errands.
Don’t run down to Hallmark to buy anything like “Thank You” notes just to score points, either, or you’ll find that they’ve already been ordered and don’t match the overall “look” she’s going for. Forget bringing home bride magazines, too. She’s just sifted through literally thousands of options and has it under control. You want to make her go over it again? You cruel, thoughtless…
At least let her know you want to help.
What often goes unsaid is that you don’t know how and nobody will tell you. It’s like what to say and when to send flowers. You’re just supposed to know.
It’s also at this stage of the planning that your bride and her mother or friends will sometimes huddle and whisper whenever you’re in the room.
Your bride may attempt to sit you down and have a talk. Here’s a tip: Look directly into her eyes several times, listen at the end of every third sentence and sort of repeat it back to her. She’s really talking out loud to herself most of the time anyway.
Finish the rather one-sided “discussion” with something like, “You’re absolutely right and I’m as excited about this as you are.” Anything else and you’ll have one of those aforementioned three-hour talks that go nowhere and serve no purpose. You’ll wind up having to end it with exactly the same phrase anyway, so why drag it out?
Tip: Take notes as soon as you can afterward. This works especially well if she talks to you about the plans over the phone. When she says she’s changed her mind about FILL IN THE BLANK you can say, "Does that mean you’ve changed your mind about a Sea Foam color scheme?"
Surprise insight: She knows you’re lying. She knows you’ll never care as much about the details as she does. If she thought about it, she’d know why. You already married her in your heart the minute you worked up the nerve to ask her. The trimmings, the formality, that’s for her folks and for her.
In fact, if you pick the moment very carefully, and the words even more carefully, you could GENTLY remind her that you just want to get hitched. She’s the one who wants to be queen for a day. That might put things in perspective for her, which could be crucial in the final days.
Oh, and don’t forget that the wedding and reception are off limits. If you have any thoughts on the honeymoon, however, this is the first and last time to put your two cents in. If parents are paying for it, thank your lucky stars. If not, keep the two cents, because you’ll need them when you get back.
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3. (c) Who Pays What?
Once you and your fiancé have agreed on where you stand on the wedding topics from the previous post, you may be talking to at least one set of parents. Don’t worry about this too much. Your parents know you’re getting married, so they won’t be surprised when you bring up the topic of wedding costs.
There are different ways to divide up the costs of a wedding.
You Pay for Everything
This option probably gives you the least financial flexibility but the most control in the decision-making processes. It’s harder for your mother-in-law to insist that you invite the 27 couples from her mahjong group when she’s not paying for their entertainment. On the other hand, it’s not that much harder. Unless you’re tremendously wealthy or very concerned about domineering relatives, it’s probably best to accept what help is offered.
It makes all the sense to plan a wedding within your own budget, so you have ultimate control.— Coleen
One or Both Sets of Parents Pay for Everything
This is the way to go if (a) you don’t mind having your mothers run everything or (b) you have mothers who won’t run everything. And possibly also (c) you have mothers who will run everything, no matter what, so you may as well get some bucks out of it (it’s the wimpy way out, but I know that not everyone’s mother is as reasonable as mine).
Obviously this is a good way to pay for your wedding if you don’t have much money but your parents do. Just remember the Golden Rule:
"He who has the gold makes the rules."
Be sure you’re up for that.
In "negotiating" things with my parents (since they paid for [everything] and had ideas of a very traditional wedding), we said, "The ceremony is for us, the reception is for everyone else." –Angela
All Parties Contribute to "the Pot."
If you can get everyone to go for it, this is the method of cost splitting that I think works the best. Everyone can contribute equally or as fits their varying means. No one but you has to know who contributed how much, if you don’t want to share that information. The total amount of money contributed is how much you have to spend on your wedding, and you work within that budget.
His parents wanted to know how much my parents were contributing. I didn’t want to tell them because I was just like, "Whatever you feel you can contribute is fine," but [my fiancé] convinced me that we should tell them. He said his parents wouldn’t want to make my parents look bad by giving more than they did, so they might not give very much if they didn’t know how much my parents gave. So we told them. – Michelle
Different Parties Pay for Different Things
To a certain extent, this is the most traditional method of dividing costs. Traditionally, the groom paid for everything that was specifically his (his tux, for example), the groom’s parents paid for the rehearsal dinner, and the bride’s parents paid for everything else. You may want to follow these traditional roles, or you may want to divide the costs more equitably.
For example, the groom’s parents might pay for music, photography, and the cake, while the bride’s parents pay for catering and the reception location, and the bride and groom themselves pay for clothing, attendant’s gifts, flowers, and everything else.
From the get go, if your parents are swinging part of the bill, it is important to feel comfortable with them making the ultimate decisions about things as goofy as rental cars and photos and flowers and the millions of little details! — Coleen
The advantage and disadvantage of this method are the same: Everyone gets to feel responsible for certain aspects of the event. This can be particularly helpful if you want to delegate responsibility for different elements. If you don’t want to delegate, this method may not be for you.
If you want your mother to just take care of the flowers and not bother you, this method of cost splitting will tend to make her do that. On the other hand, if you don’t want your mother to take care of flowers and not bother you, this method of cost splitting will still tend to make her do that. Whether your want her to or don’t want her to, your mother is likely to think the flowers are hers to control if you’ve told her that they’re hers to pay for. To say, “You’ll pay for the flowers, but I don’t want to hear a word of your opinion while I choose and arrange them” is probably not going to fly.
SUMMARY
- Set up a time to discuss your budget options with your fiancé. Will you pay for everything yourselves, ask parents to contribute, and/or borrow money from a financial lender?
- Decide among the possible ways to divide up the costs. Try to find the divisions that will make you happiest (which means making your parents and in-laws as happy as you can without sacrificing your own happiness).
- Discuss the budget with one or more sets of parents. Remember that a financial contribution from your parents probably means more decision-making contributions from your parents.
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