3. (c) Who Pays What?
Once you and your fiancé have agreed on where you stand on the wedding topics from the previous post, you may be talking to at least one set of parents. Don’t worry about this too much. Your parents know you’re getting married, so they won’t be surprised when you bring up the topic of wedding costs.
There are different ways to divide up the costs of a wedding.
You Pay for Everything
This option probably gives you the least financial flexibility but the most control in the decision-making processes. It’s harder for your mother-in-law to insist that you invite the 27 couples from her mahjong group when she’s not paying for their entertainment. On the other hand, it’s not that much harder. Unless you’re tremendously wealthy or very concerned about domineering relatives, it’s probably best to accept what help is offered.
It makes all the sense to plan a wedding within your own budget, so you have ultimate control.— Coleen
One or Both Sets of Parents Pay for Everything
This is the way to go if (a) you don’t mind having your mothers run everything or (b) you have mothers who won’t run everything. And possibly also (c) you have mothers who will run everything, no matter what, so you may as well get some bucks out of it (it’s the wimpy way out, but I know that not everyone’s mother is as reasonable as mine).
Obviously this is a good way to pay for your wedding if you don’t have much money but your parents do. Just remember the Golden Rule:
"He who has the gold makes the rules."
Be sure you’re up for that.
In "negotiating" things with my parents (since they paid for [everything] and had ideas of a very traditional wedding), we said, "The ceremony is for us, the reception is for everyone else." –Angela
All Parties Contribute to "the Pot."
If you can get everyone to go for it, this is the method of cost splitting that I think works the best. Everyone can contribute equally or as fits their varying means. No one but you has to know who contributed how much, if you don’t want to share that information. The total amount of money contributed is how much you have to spend on your wedding, and you work within that budget.
His parents wanted to know how much my parents were contributing. I didn’t want to tell them because I was just like, "Whatever you feel you can contribute is fine," but [my fiancé] convinced me that we should tell them. He said his parents wouldn’t want to make my parents look bad by giving more than they did, so they might not give very much if they didn’t know how much my parents gave. So we told them. – Michelle
Different Parties Pay for Different Things
To a certain extent, this is the most traditional method of dividing costs. Traditionally, the groom paid for everything that was specifically his (his tux, for example), the groom’s parents paid for the rehearsal dinner, and the bride’s parents paid for everything else. You may want to follow these traditional roles, or you may want to divide the costs more equitably.
For example, the groom’s parents might pay for music, photography, and the cake, while the bride’s parents pay for catering and the reception location, and the bride and groom themselves pay for clothing, attendant’s gifts, flowers, and everything else.
From the get go, if your parents are swinging part of the bill, it is important to feel comfortable with them making the ultimate decisions about things as goofy as rental cars and photos and flowers and the millions of little details! — Coleen
The advantage and disadvantage of this method are the same: Everyone gets to feel responsible for certain aspects of the event. This can be particularly helpful if you want to delegate responsibility for different elements. If you don’t want to delegate, this method may not be for you.
If you want your mother to just take care of the flowers and not bother you, this method of cost splitting will tend to make her do that. On the other hand, if you don’t want your mother to take care of flowers and not bother you, this method of cost splitting will still tend to make her do that. Whether your want her to or don’t want her to, your mother is likely to think the flowers are hers to control if you’ve told her that they’re hers to pay for. To say, “You’ll pay for the flowers, but I don’t want to hear a word of your opinion while I choose and arrange them” is probably not going to fly.
SUMMARY
- Set up a time to discuss your budget options with your fiancé. Will you pay for everything yourselves, ask parents to contribute, and/or borrow money from a financial lender?
- Decide among the possible ways to divide up the costs. Try to find the divisions that will make you happiest (which means making your parents and in-laws as happy as you can without sacrificing your own happiness).
- Discuss the budget with one or more sets of parents. Remember that a financial contribution from your parents probably means more decision-making contributions from your parents.
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