2. (e) Words from the Groom - Intro
These paragraphs are where I get to spout off, give advice, and relate some arguing points. I supply grooms with the tips for how they can contribute . . .and how to make it look like they’re paying attention the next time their bride wants to "talk." I wish it were all bubbles, angels, and satin for you and your bride, but somebody has to get down to brass tacks, and I was elected.
The Wedding Notebook is an excellent starter. The two of you should shop for it together. Yeah, I know, but it scores points you’ll need later, especially if you want a bachelor party.
Photo holders make a nice addition to these notebooks after the wedding. That way, she can keep the "after" photos with a sort of "before" journal. She’ll get a kick out of it in later years.
While you’re at it, buy a "Bride’s Bag" for her or suggest that she make one. This would hold her notebook, cell phone, and the like. Notebooks get lost. A lifetime of habit ensures that a woman’s not likely to leave a bag behind. You should also suggest that she make more copies of her handouts than she thinks she’ll ever need, because those get lost, too.
It might be a nice time to invest in a small fire safe, too. You can keep all of the vendor contracts and stuff in there. After the wedding, photos and time capsule kind of stuff could go in there as well.
IMPORTANT: Suggest all these things offhandedly and seemingly unrehearsed or she’ll expect this level of attention throughout.
It’s also vital that you not be the one to close the doors on her dream settings and trappings. If something’s too expensive or impractical, give her time to come to that conclusion on her own.
Okay. Now to "The Talk." Actually there will be many more than one. To fully understand, take as given that there’s the way things ought to be and the way they are. First off, this is not “your wedding, too.”
What does that mean? When your bride asks your opinion, what she actually wants is to tell you why you’re wrong. She’s already made up her mind. If she says she’s flexible on something, she is lying to herself. It’s really not her fault. It’s just that no matter what you say or when you say it, it’s too late for changes. NEWSFLASH: It was too late when you met her. She’s been dreaming this one up since she was old enough to visualize the dream man she gave up on when she settled for you. She really is the one who cares most.
Second, when you have a discussion about the particulars, and you get her to agree that you’ll take time to think about it and settle it later, she means by tomorrow noon. This isn’t her fault, either. The perception of time is gender-specific. This schism in language is a lot like apocalyptic religion; "later" and "soon" mean different things to different people.
Brides decry the male’s "lack of meaningful input." The reality is that men often give up submitting input after a spell because they realize that "meaningful" is synonymous with "agreeable." These consultations are very similar to those all-night discussions where her mind is made up. For some reason she wants you to try to convince her otherwise and fail. To guys, this is pointless and a waste of time.
Maybe you do have ideas and maybe you do care as much about some aspect as she does. You might enjoy debate. It could happen. Tell her now. Don’t wait.
As for the rest of us:
There are things that should not be, like dogs in tutus, cats in sweaters, squirrels on water skis, and grooms picking silver patterns.
You see what I mean. So try explaining it to her.
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Men more closely resemble those women for whom it takes some time to realize that just saying you’re willing to get married doesn’t actually get the job done. The difference between men and these non-planner women is that when men realize that somebody needs to get on the ball and make this wedding thing happen, men also know that that someone does not have to be them.
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